“Why did you choose to say it that way?” the trainer commented to the manager in session. “I don’t know. I guess I don’t want to come across as harsh. I know I should be more direct. You know, more assertive. I’m just not sure how to do that.”
Newly promoted managers can be challenged by this. Challenged by a sense of who they are as manager and leader. Of their own power in what they can or cannot say or do. Maybe they want to be liked. Maybe it is a fear of rejection. Maybe it is simply a lack of confidence. It can stymie their choices.
Recently, I was asked by a manager…what can I do to be more confident in my interaction with my team? How can I be more assertive?
Start with Why. You do not have to be a follower of Simon Sinek to appreciate that point of view. Maybe the first step is changing the question and considering why you are looking at this growth opportunity. Are you looking to be more assertive or looking to provide better clarity in your communication? Is it about creating boundaries or feeling more confident and establishing your empowerment?
Then, if assertiveness is your goal (and even if it isn’t), identify your ‘style’. By that I mean, embrace your genuine self…not a fake one that you saw in a seminar about leadership. Being authentic is essential. Leadership is less what you do. It is more about who you are and how willing, honest and open you are around others.
While practicing your delivery may sound scripted or too hypothetical, it does provide a way to assess what to say, how to say it and what it looks like. Practice allows you to literally and figuratively be in front of a mirror.
Be deliberate and mindful about words, tone and body language. Paying attention to your mechanics and delivering your message confidently does require knowing what influences the communication cycle. Furthermore, don’t forget every great relationship requires dialogue. This implies listening.
Life is unscripted. Which can make being certain as manager and leader hard. Hard to know what to do when facing an unknown or unexpected event. Being flexible is not about making it easy, just making it simple by being OK with change and letting the conditions (and context) dictate action.
Stick to the facts. Doubt, apprehension and a lack of confidence can be felt when objectivity is replaced with vagueness, ambiguity and uncertainty. If facts are not immediately available, make sussing them out a next step and priority. It’s not about being right. It’s about being real.
And lastly, know that assertiveness and arrogance are extremely close to one another. Some may say there exists a razor thin difference between the two. I believe the difference lies in your answer to ‘why’. The difference in how you view yourself in relationship with others as being either “good as” or “better than”.
While I have heard confidence is not “I will be liked”, but rather “I am OK if I am not”. I wonder how close that is when seeking a greater sense of assertiveness.